De Bounty Board is now open. Tuesday edition.
Pull up. Browse. Try not to call de numbers unless you know what you doin’. Some of dese ads got stories.
🐐 WANTED: ONE GOAT (URGENT)
“Wanted, one goat. Mature. Healthy. Not too small not too big. For graduation curry on Saturday. Will pay reasonable price. NOT willing to entertain the goat that I bought from you last year that ran away on de way home. We discussed this. We are not goin’ back to dat. Don’t even call. Serious goats only. Call after 6pm not before. Cash on collection.”
Posted by: Mr. Roberts, Diamond
Bounty Board commentary: “Serious goats only” is the line of de week. Mr. Roberts also taking no questions on de previous goat. Move on. We have moved on. De goat has moved on, presumably.
🏠 FOR RENT: TWO BEDROOM, NICE AREA, MUST SEE
“For rent, 2-bedroom upper flat, Section K Campbellville, $80,000/month. Newly painted. Tile floor. Own meter. Quiet area. Nice neighbors. Close to school, market, taxi park. Available immediately. Owner livin’ downstairs. Owner does NOT play music loud. Owner does NOT have visitors. Owner is NOT involved in any matters. Don’t ask about de smell, de smell goin’ away.”
Posted by: Number for serious inquiries only
Bounty Board commentary: Three “owner does not” disclaimers + one “don’t ask about de smell” = at least one of those things is true. We leavin’ it at dat.
📚 NGSA TUTOR REQUIRED — FLEXIBLE PAYMENT
“Lookin’ for a math tutor for my daughter, NGSA next week. Need somebody good. Need somebody patient. Need somebody who can come to de house at 4pm. We will pay $5,000 per session BUT also willing to negotiate alternative arrangements such as: coconut water (sweet, not de salty one), one bag of provisions per week, OR I can fix your phone screen if it cracked. Tutor must accept that my daughter is brilliant but VERY stubborn. Like her father. We dealing with it.”
Posted by: A mother in Eccles
Bounty Board commentary: This is de most Guyanese employment listing of de quarter. Cash, coconut water, OR phone screen repair as compensation. NGSA tutors of Guyana — your time has come. Apply within.
💍 SOMEBODY LOOKIN’ FOR A HUSBAND (RECURRING)
“Lookin’ for a husband. Must have job. Must have own car (not borrow from cousin). Must have own house OR be on de way to havin’ own house (we will discuss de timeline). Must NOT be on Tinder. Must NOT have a ‘situation’ from before that going to call my phone. Must like dog. We have one dog. De dog comes first. Dis is not negotiable. De dog has been here longer than you. Apply via WhatsApp, references will be checked.”
Posted by: Untitled, Region 4
Bounty Board commentary: Dis ad has run every week for three months. De requirements have NOT softened. De requirements have, if anything, hardened. De dog is gettin’ more powerful. Bounty Board respects de dog’s veto.
🚗 FOR SALE: 2008 ALLION, GOOD CONDITION
“For sale, 2008 Toyota Allion. Good condition. Engine strong. AC need a small thing but I drivin’ wid de window down anyway. Tyres good. Brakes good. Interior good (cover got stain but I will throw in a new cover). Mileage I don’t really know de meter not workin’ but is not too much. Asking $1.4M. Negotiable to a serious buyer. NOT negotiable to people who going to come look and call back next week to negotiate again. We is not doin’ that. $1.4M. Final until I decide is not final.”
Posted by: A man in West Ruimveldt
Bounty Board commentary: “Final until I decide is not final” is now de official Guyanese pricin’ philosophy and Bounty Board callin’ for it to be added to de school curriculum.
🪑 LOST: ONE WHITE PLASTIC CHAIR
“Lost. White plastic chair. Last seen at de family weddin’ on Saturday. We had ten chairs. We come home with nine. Whoever take de chair, please return. We not vex. We just need de chair. The set don’t make sense without it. The chairs are NOT cheap and you know dat. Drop it off at de gate, no questions asked.”
Posted by: A whole family
Bounty Board commentary: “De set don’t make sense without it” is de cry of every Guyanese household ever. Whoever take de chair — bring back de chair. De people not vex. De people just need their chair.
📞 TUTOR FOR NGSA — SECOND LISTING
“Math AND English tutor needed. NGSA next week. Two children, ages 10 and 11. Cousins. Will pay separately for each. Tutor must NOT raise voice. Tutor must NOT compare them to other children. Tutor must NOT say ‘I tell you already’ more than three times in a session. Tutor MUST believe dat my children are smart, regardless of what dey actually do during de lesson. Apply with patience and a strong constitution.”
Posted by: Worried Auntie, La Penitence
Bounty Board commentary: “Three times maximum” is a generous limit. Bounty Board has heard parents say “I tell you already” seven times in one sentence. Generous Auntie, fair Auntie. May she find her tutor.
🐔 SELLIN’: FRESH EGGS, COUNTRY-RAISED
“Sellin’ fresh eggs. Country-raised hens. NOT de battery hen egg from de supermarket. Real yolk. Orange yolk. Tastes like egg used to taste before everything started tastin’ the same. $1,200 per dozen. Will deliver in town for an extra $500. Will not deliver further than town because gas done expensive. Order in advance, hens does not work on demand.”
Posted by: Aunty Yvonne, Mahaica
Bounty Board commentary: “Tastes like egg used to taste” is an entire essay disguised as a sales pitch. Aunty Yvonne is also correct that hens does not work on demand. Order in advance. Respect de hen schedule.
📰 BOUNTY BOARD SIGNIN’ OFF
Dat’s de Tuesday classifieds. More Friday. If your ad missin’, send it in. If your ad here and you mad, send a better ad next time. Bounty Board don’t make de news, Bounty Board list de news.
Tellin’ you for de last time: bring back de chair.
Bounty Board collates de classifieds, de wanted ads, de people lookin’ for things, and de things lookin’ for people. Caribbean + Africa, for de diaspora. All listings are satire. De goat is fictional. De chair could be real, somebody’s family is missin’ a chair right now.
Background sources: Kaieteur News (NGSA week confirmation, April 28, 2026); general Guyanese classifieds tradition.