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Man Says He Not Going Out, Ends Up Hosting

This is satire. Characters and scenarios are fictional. Any resemblance to real persons, statements, or events is used for commentary and entertainment purposes.

HOLETOWN — Having declined three separate invitations citing his intention to stay home and rest, 40-year-old Damian Springer’s residence was by 9 p.m. Friday serving as the venue for a gathering of approximately 23 people, a development he has been unable to satisfactorily explain.

The situation continues to develop.