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Entire Event Starts Late But Ends Exactly On Time Somehow

This is satire. Characters and scenarios are fictional. Any resemblance to real persons, statements, or events is used for commentary and entertainment purposes.

EAST LEGON — A church programme scheduled for 10 a.m. that did not formally commence until 11:47 a.m. concluded at exactly 1:00 p.m. as printed on the programme, a temporal compression that researchers have been unable to account for.

The situation continues to develop.