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Local Man Spends 45 Minutes Explaining Why This Time He Actually Leaving Now

This is satire. Characters and scenarios are fictional. Any resemblance to real persons, statements, or events is used for commentary and entertainment purposes.

MANDEVILLE — Standing in the doorway with keys in hand, Kevin Morrison delivered a detailed 45-minute monologue outlining the specific reasons his departure on this occasion would, unlike all seven previous declarations, be final.

The situation continues to develop.