DARLINGS. We are seated. Coffee fresh. Tea poured. WhatsApp group already at 47 unread.
The Bacchanal Desk has been receiving information, and we use the word “information” the way Cabinet uses the word “consultation” — generously.
ITEM ONE: THE DESALINATION PROCUREMENT
Three plants. THREE. Announced earlier this week. The Bacchanal Desk has questions and they are not the questions you think.
We are not asking who got the contract. (Yet.)
We are asking: why was the announcement timed for the same week the Jamaican fuel cap lifted? Was that coincidence? Was the regional Cabinet WhatsApp group syncing release schedules again? And if so — and we ask this hypothetically — who is the admin of that group and why did they leave Antigua on read?
We have nothing further on this. Yet.
ITEM TWO: THE PERMANENT SECRETARY AT THE DOUBLES CART
A senior public servant — initials available on request to subscribers — was photographed last Friday evening at a doubles cart in Curepe at 6:15 PM with no driver, no security detail, and one of those crumpled brown bags that suggests she had been there for some time.
Now. The Bacchanal Desk does not begrudge a Permanent Secretary her doubles. We eat doubles. We love doubles. The doubles are not the story.
The story is: who was she meeting? Because three minutes later — THREE MINUTES — a black SUV with a 2024 license plate ending in three sevens pulled up, a man got out, took a doubles, ate it standing, did not pay, did not exchange a word with our PS in question, and drove off.
This is either the most awkward coincidence in Trinidadian gastronomic history or a meeting so deniable it took place over slight pepper.
We will leave it there. Yet.
ITEM THREE: THE CC LINE NOBODY READ
A Cabinet email circulated last Wednesday concerning the prioritisation of certain road resurfacing contracts. The email was sent. The email was read. The email was acknowledged.
What was not acknowledged is the CC line, which contained — and we are told this on excellent authority — the personal email address of a former mid-level functionary who left government employ in 2022 and has since been “consulting.” The functionary did not reply to the email. The functionary did, however, immediately email three contractors. The contractors immediately submitted bids.
The Bacchanal Desk is not making accusations. We are simply noting the timeline. The timeline notes itself.
ITEM FOUR: A FOLLOW-UP ON LAST WEEK’S ITEM ABOUT THE WEDDING
Yes. The wedding. The one we mentioned. Yes, we know who got the contract for the catering. No, we will not be naming the bride’s cousin. Not this week. Probably.
WE ARE WATCHING. WE ARE WAITING. WE HAVE A WHATSAPP.
If you have a tip, if you have a sighting, if you have a forwarded screenshot from a group chat that someone else screenshotted from a different group chat — the Bacchanal Desk is here, the kettle is on, and the receipts are filed alphabetically.
Until next week, when, frankly, there will be more.
The Bacchanal Desk is a satirical voice column. All “items” are dramatic exaggerations for comedic effect. Any resemblance to actual Permanent Secretaries, doubles carts, or CC lines is regrettable. The catering contractor remains, for now, unnamed.